Day 233
When I entered rehab one of my liver enzyme levels was 978. That’s organ failure territory. Today I got the results of my labs back: It is now 10.
SIX MONTHS!!!!
Six months sober today. I’m beyond happy. This is considered a major milestone; it is only after six months that most AA groups will let you lead meetings. I personally think that is way too short a time, but it’s not about what I think. Less than half a year can be a fluke, more than that is real dedication.
I feel like I cheated though. I’ve had a totally of two real cravings, as in not just fleeting thoughts, and both were brought on by panic and anxiety that is back under control. And considering the sort of cravings I was warned to expect, I consider both of them mild at best.
I’ve been EXTREMELY lucky. For whatever reason I have been able to put alcohol firmly in my past so far. Most addicts don’t have the luxury. So I’m not getting complacent, but I do appreciate every day that is easy.
Last week I got a massive paycheck from freelancing. Far and away the most I’ve ever made doing it, and the sort of money that is earning a living, not just supplementing my husband’s paycheck. Sobriety is working.
I know I’m posting here less, but the truth is I really don’t have that much to say about my sobriety anymore. It’s honestly really boring. I’m not going to stop posting, but I don’t feel the need to post everyday. My full days are keeping me sober.
When I do have fleeting thoughts about booze, usually when watching a show where people are happily drinking at a bar, I crush it with the reality of how great life is now.
I am NEVER going back.
Whitney Houston's Autopsy Report Is In
Day 179
This is a full post I wrote for the gossip site I work for now. IDontLikeYouInThatWay.com has a readership of about 1.3 million people. And I just told them all I’m a recovering alcoholic.
Day 176
I’m coming up on 6 months! I can’t tell you how excited I am.
So I’m writing for a gossip site now, and during my research for my post today I found this story about the Situation. Now, I don’t care about him personally, and I’ve never seen a second of Jersey Shore, but since I keep up with celeb gossip I know that he finally went to rehab for some pretty serious problems a few weeks ago. There was debate at the time if it was for pills, cocaine, or booze. My personal opinion is it was probably a combination of the three.
So today this story is being circulated that MTV had tried to get him into rehab a couple times before because his drinking was effecting their ability to film the show. Now that he is (allegedly) sober though, they worry he’s too boring for Jersey Shore viewers. Rumor has it that because of this they are looking to replace him.
Now even if you, like me, don’t care about him or the show, this still illustrates a problem with addiction. People who don’t want you to drink as much as you do also don’t necessarily want you to be sober. Recovering addicts don’t make fun bar buddies, they don’t share in the collective act of drinking from the same bottle that is ingrained in our culture as an important social norm. Some people flat out say they couldn’t be friends with, or date, someone who won’t (or can’t) drink. Abstaining isolates you, it labels you, it makes you different.
What most people who know alcoholics, and apparently these MTV people, want is for us to stop being alcoholics. Sobriety is their second choice behind us just learning how to drink socially. The problem is that is what all alcoholics want, too. It’s what the little voice tells you to get you to drink again. That this time it will be different.
But it won’t ever be different. Social drinking is not something that is possible for me, or for this Situation gentleman. The difference is is that I’m not going to lose my job by staying sober.
A map of America's remaining "dry" counties
Day 169
The dry county thing fascinates me. My sister lives in one and my parent’s ranch is located in one. I wonder why all of us recovering alcoholics don’t just move to one. Probably because they are too conservative. We should make one county outside of LA dry so all of us liberal recovering alcoholics can move there.
Day 165
I just realized I messed my day counter up since I’m not posting every day now. Fixed!
Today I just want to say how awesome my mom is. She’s been sober over 7 years but she still has bad days. Yesterday was a bad day.
My grandmother (her mother-in-law) is very dependent on my parents for various things. Nana lives in a very nice assisted living facility in our area, but my parents take her shopping, to her doctor, things like that.
Now, I love my Nana but she is very difficult to deal with at the best of times. Yesterday she had minor surgery (she’s fine.) My parents were with her/at the hospital for 8 hours. My dad (the guy who went to med school) goes catatonic in hospitals, so my mom had to deal with him as well.
My mom got through it though, and I am so proud of her for making it another day. It gives me hope that when I have days like that I too can get through them without alcohol.
Day 161
This last week has been nothing but one piece of great career news after another. I am on the biggest roll ever. I have to be careful not to burn out and arrange my schedule well, but if I manage it I am going to have some real success in the next couple years.
And it is all because I am sober. Sometimes a little voice asks where I would be if I had never started drinking to begin with. But it’s not worth thinking about. I’m where I want to be now, 5 years late, but the important thing is I made it.
Day 158
I woke up to two very unexpected but not unwelcome deadlines but I wanted to take a minute and thank everyone who responded to my post yesterday. I received so many amazing responses, many of as them private messages because of how personal they were. To everyone who took time out to help me: thank you so much. I’m feeling a lot better about the situation. Simon and I still have a lot to think about, but your words have made me see things in new ways.
Thank you all again, from the bottom of my heart.
Genetics & Substance Abuse
Day 157
A new study shows adopted children are twice as likely to abuse drugs if their biological parents did, suggesting a clear link to genetics.
This is something I think about ALL. THE. TIME. Simon and I are going to try for kids sooner rather than later, but there is a very loud voice inside of my head screaming “ADOPT.”
Simon and I are both alcoholics. I personally come from a long line of alcoholics. Even the people in our families who aren’t alcoholics are much heavier drinkers than “normal people” and many display other addictive tendencies. Our genes are virtually guaranteeing that any child we have will be predisposed to addiction.
Does that mean they will become addicts? No. As that article states, it has a lot to do with nurture are well as nature. And growing up with two recovering alcoholic parents is obviously going to make a certain impression on our children.
But is it a risk worth taking? That’s not a rhetorical question. I honestly don’t know if it is. I would not wish my experience (or my mother’s experience, or my grandmother’s experience) on even my worst enemy. And yet here I am fully aware that I am making it almost inevitable for the people I will love most in my life.
Honestly, it scares the shit out of me. If my kids ever did need to go to rehab, or god forbid died, due to addiction related problems, I would know it was mostly my fault for giving them fucked up brains to begin with. I’m terrified.
Sure, everyone’s family has something bad in the genes. Adopting a kid doesn’t mean they might not become an addict, or they wouldn’t have some predisposition to a terrible illness. But to me that seems more like chance, whereas by me having my own kids I am looking God and science straight in the eyes and saying, “Bring it.”
Thoughts? Opinions? What would you do?
Wine hath drowned more men than the sea.
Thomas Fuller (1608-1661) British clergyman and author.
Day 156 - Research, research, research. When it goes well it is the best part of my job. Today it is going well.
Day 155
Crazy weekend, but so much fun.
Last night I continued my domination of bars when I met up with some Cracked people who were in town for SXSW. I had no temptation to drink, just lots of fun chatting and watching people play shuffleboard.
I drank two O’Doul’s while I was there and both times I ordered them the bartenders didn’t understand what I wanted at first. As Dan said, “It’s probably never come up before.”
It’s so great to go out and have a social life and not be limited by my addiction. I have to be sooooooo careful when I do go to bars, because that is when the little addiction voice could come back, but that is why I am open with everyone about my recovery. If I walked up with a beer at least three people would tackle me and take it away.
I came home last night feeling almost euphoric. Life is good.
Can LSD Cure Your Addictions?
The data—based on results from 536 participants—shows that those taking LSD reported far lower levels of alcohol misuse. This actually chimes with speculation in the 1950s, when psychiatrists suggested that LSD could be an effective treatment for alcoholism.
Interesting, but I’m still not touching LSD.
Day 151
So I’m off to a work-related happy hour tonight. Alcoholic me would be jumping up and down at the ability to combine work and alcohol (at least in front of people) but sober me is obviously more subdued.
It’s going to be a great time, I know that, and I’m going to have a lot of fun and there is not a chance in hell I am going to drink. For one thing at least two people who will be there know I’m in recovery and by the end of the night I bet half the place will (I’ve very open, you see.) But stuff like this does give me pause, as it should, and I can’t imagine there will ever be a time when it doesn’t.
I’ll edit this when I get home to say how it went. No idea what time that will be though.
I’m back! That was really fun. The restaurant it was held at was way fancy. I drank a bunch of Coke. Met some really nice people. The waitstaff went above and beyond accommodating my sobriety and vegetarianism.
I have discovered something though, something I didn’t really know until now since we live so far northwest that we don’t head downtown that often: I am nowhere near yuppie or hipster enough to live in Austin. Simon and I looked like the fuddy-duddy chaperons. Everyone there was just so cool, so hip. I have no desire to be cool or hip, but I didn’t realize I was THAT bad.
